Straight Red’s Guaranteed Pick-Up Lines

Written by Redfern on 10/09/2015

No-one is better at dating than my ultra-heterosexual alter-ego, Straight Red – who, in his own words, is “absolutely surrounded by human females”. According to himself, Straight Red dates so many women that he often needs to spend hours, even days, wrestling with other men just to replenish his own masculinity (naked, just as they did in mega-manly ancient Greece).

“Covering yourself in another man’s sweat is a great way to keep those testosterone levels up,” he insists, a faraway look …

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Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guide to Shopping (For Real Men)

Written by Redfern on 05/09/2014

Word up, fellow normalsexuals! It is I, avowed misogynist womanizer Straight Red: lady expert, film critic, and hero of Russia – finally back from Utah’s most controversial ‘gay cure’ clinic. “But Straight Red!” I hear you cry, “You’re the handsomest and least same-sex attracted man I’ve ever seen! Why would you need to go to an ex-gay centre filled with handsome guys you had absolutely now attraction towards and certainly never had secret sex with late at night when the clinic’s supervisors weren’t …

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STRAIGHT RED FIXES RUSSIA

Written by Redfern on 13/01/2014

Hello fans of maintaining erections whilst having sex with women – and never accidentally getting them when hugging men – it is I, Straight Red, the heterosexualistiest man on Earth.

Now, I can’t understand why anyone would rather touch disgusting men’s disgusting erect penises, hairy chests, and strong, firm thighs when they could be making sex with ladies, but apparently some men do. Now, I’ve nothing against gays, but I do wish there were less of them on the TV, filling …

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STRAIGHT RED’S TOP SEXY MOVIES FOR RED-BLOODED ABSOLUTELY HETEROSEXUAL MEN

Written by Redfern on 24/09/2013

Hello fans of total, unflappable heterosexuality and lovely lady parts, it’s Straight Red, my 8000% heterosexual alter-ego. Last time we looked at how to make sex with ladies, but this week we’ll be using our absolutely non-gay eyes to be looking at the hottest films with the sexiest not-men, because men aren’t sexy, because men can’t be sexy. Men are disgusting, especially the ones with hairy chests, toned bodies, and sultry smiles – it makes me vomit just to think …

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Straight Red’s TOTALLY STRAIGHT Heterosexual Guide to Pulling Women (NOT MEN)

Written by Redfern on 14/08/2013

As many of you know, I am actually a 1000% heterosexual man, and only play a gay person in real life. As a 100,000% heterosexual straight man, I have lots of sex with women, women with vaginas. Thus I feel compelled to share my knowledge of how to obtain sexual intercourse with women, because without it there will be no exciting man-woman sex and our very species will be doomed.

So before humanity dies out and pandas inherit the Earth (FUCK …

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