Elections got you down? Too much talk of Brexits, failing hospitals, and who will be fastest to annihilate humanity in a global firestorm of nuclear armageddon?
You’re not alone.
We at Redfern Enterprises are sick of it too. We may be a multinational conglomerate devoid of ethics or empathy, but we’re just like you—an average human who is sick of all that fighting among politicians. A normal person who sometimes buys bread and who is tired of having to deal with complex …
PRESS STATEMENT FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES
“Hello… hello… is this thing on? Wait, I think… I think the microphone is broken… I think… Yeah, no, this looks like a handgun. Lemme check -“
[Loud air-piercing shots are heard; one brief scream]
“Well, then I’ll just have to talk a little louder. Hey, who invited the guy with blood all over his shirt? I mean, make an effort, am I right?”
[Pauses for laughter]
“So the reasons for calling this press conference are twofold. Firstly, I …
Thank you for [taking an interest in / allowing yourself to be requisitioned by] REDFERN ENTERPRISES SURGICAL DIVISION. You’ll be pleased to know that each and every member our dedicated Excellence Team have over 40 hours’ medical training and at least 12 years mercenary combat experience. From unregistered orphanages in the Dominican Republic to the recently-sold public hospital in your hometown, REDFERN ENTERPRISES provides the ultimate in deregulated healthcare.
Before we proceed with your surgery, we ask that you take …
ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:
Sadly, the misconduct of several staff members has required management to issue a fifteenth volume to the Rule Book, a summary of which which has been outlined below. We would like all employees to know that we are extremely disappointed in them, and as a result of last week’s events all vending machines and cafeteria trays will be filled with broken glass until further notice.
EMPLOYEES MUST NOT BRING THEIR OWN FOOD ONTO COMPANY PREMISES
You must eat from the …
We at Redfern Enterprises are in love with love! We just adore seeing young couples gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands, and making new generations of impoverished humans to buy our products and serve as test subjects! Romance!
But sometimes relationships slump – libidos and vital parts soften. How can you rekindle the romance? How can you revive the lust? How to stop your significant other from cheating on you with household pets? Well we’re here to help.*
So without further …