My roommate asked me to print off his boarding pass, so I gave him this.
Rich people aren’t like you or I. We live in apartments, they live in private jets. Whilst we have secret sexual relationships with our bosses in a feeble attempt to rise a quarter-rung higher up the corporate ladder, they have harems filled with movie stars. Nowhere is this difference more noticeable than advertising. See, adverts made for we junk food-snorting proletarians show people being happy. The people in billboards and on TV frolic around some unrealistically clean restaurant or mall, …
PRESS STATEMENT FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES
“Hello… hello… is this thing on? Wait, I think… I think the microphone is broken… I think… Yeah, no, this looks like a handgun. Lemme check -“
[Loud air-piercing shots are heard; one brief scream]
“Well, then I’ll just have to talk a little louder. Hey, who invited the guy with blood all over his shirt? I mean, make an effort, am I right?”
[Pauses for laughter]
“So the reasons for calling this press conference are twofold. Firstly, I …
Now I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a beautiful, sexy vegetarian. And I really don’t care what other people eat – if you want to stuff your mouth with some prime tarantulas or fried baby ducklings, then be my guest. After all, we all have our own codes and principles.
BUT (and I wouldn’t be a budding totalitarian dictator without a ‘but’) sometimes, when outside our traditional comfort zone of the very centre of major cities, the Vegetarian finds …
After consuming a wall-melting amount of hallucinogens whilst trying to repair the toaster with nothing but a rusted knife and a footbath full of water, I am now able to speak with the dead.
So who was I to call upon? A great feminist fighter like Sylvia Pankhurst? An important figure in the civil rights movement like Bayard Rustin? A leading gay rights activist like Harvey Milk?
No, none of those were quite right. But then it came to me: I was …