Berlin is many things: poor, sexy, absolutely full to the brim with urine. It’s a great city, but it’s also a seething hive of competing subcultures, all rabid with hate for one another – and since you can’t possibly belong to every single one of them without maintaining a severe personality disorder, the good news is that you’re hated too! By many, many people!
But which ones? Last summer I sat in Gorlitzer park analysing the people around me and drawing …
Congratulations! You’re having a child! If you’re a woman, you’ve become pregnant! If you’re a man, you’ve become pregnant! (This is what comes of living beneath an electricity pylon). But parenting is fraught with dangers – how do you make sure your child grows up right? How does one instil the correct values? How to raise a dazzling, talented lawyer, and not someone selling pirated VHS tapes in the alley behind a sex supermarket?
Well never fear, for now you can …
Welcome to another exciting CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE DEPRESSING REAL LIFE EDITION. Whereas last time involved just getting through the day, this week we have a special challenge: lack of food in the house has necessitated the purchasing of groceries!
Will you survive, or wind up being murdered inside a Blockbuster Video? Only one way to find out!
1. You find yourself gradually and pleasantly waking up – the sun is shining through the gap in the curtains and you can feel …
Chippy-chip-huzzoh! Welcome to a most stimulating second part of the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition’ (for part 1, click here). There are three potential ‘happy endings’, so make sure to choose wisely. Or randomly, I don’t care.
21. We last left you as a prominent politician, philanthropist, and tramp murderer. You are the darling of Victoria’s Empire: young, vicious, and with a fine bristly moustache (made from the very finest of kittenskins). But horrors! You have remained a bachelor …
So it seems that a lot of people enjoyed ‘Choose Your Own Adventure: Depressing Reality Edition’, but complained that it didn’t feature enough moustaches or child poverty. Well consider the matter rectified, as I present:
Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition
1. You’re heading into town to buy pain relief pills for your dying cat, when you notice something is amiss: the skies have darkened with smog, the corpses of starved children litter the street, and the prostitutes have unrealistically slender …