PRESS STATEMENT FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES
“Hello… hello… is this thing on? Wait, I think… I think the microphone is broken… I think… Yeah, no, this looks like a handgun. Lemme check -”
[Loud air-piercing shots are heard; one brief scream]
“Well, then I’ll just have to talk a little louder. Hey, who invited the guy with blood all over his shirt? I mean, make an effort, am I right?”
[Pauses for laughter]
“So the reasons for calling this press conference are twofold. Firstly, I …
I’m tired of magazines like Cosmopolitan and Bella hogging all the troubling relationship advice. After all, I have interacted with human people on many occasions, and I definitely touched fingers with the postman once. Plus, I’ve been using medical waste bins as an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the right headspace to rival the writings of these fine, women-in-weird-poses-fronted publications.
(This is how I stand when waiting for the bus, or a sex client)
And if there’s one thing …
Word up, fellow normalsexuals! It is I, avowed misogynist womanizer Straight Red: lady expert, film critic, and hero of Russia - finally back from Utah’s most controversial ‘gay cure’ clinic. “But Straight Red!” I hear you cry, “You’re the handsomest and least same-sex attracted man I’ve ever seen! Why would you need to go to an ex-gay centre filled with handsome guys you had absolutely now attraction towards and certainly never had secret sex with late at night when the clinic’s supervisors weren’t …
We’ve all been there: you’re walking down the street, shouting at children and generally minding your own business, when you stumble upon some inconsiderate layabout lying in the street, selfishly spilling their filthy blood all over the pavement.
“Look at me, look at me, I’m wearing an orange jacket!” Arsehole.
Normally I would simply ignore such rudeness, but I have recently been informed that stepping over someone “in need of medical assistance” and taking their wallet as an inconveniency payment can get …
Now I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a beautiful, sexy vegetarian. And I really don’t care what other people eat – if you want to stuff your mouth with some prime tarantulas or fried baby ducklings, then be my guest. After all, we all have our own codes and principles.
BUT (and I wouldn’t be a budding totalitarian dictator without a ‘but’) sometimes, when outside our traditional comfort zone of the very centre of major cities, the Vegetarian finds …