Elections got you down? Too much talk of Brexits, failing hospitals, and who will be fastest to annihilate humanity in a global firestorm of nuclear armageddon?
You’re not alone.
We at Redfern Enterprises are sick of it too. We may be a multinational conglomerate devoid of ethics or empathy, but we’re just like you—an average human who is sick of all that fighting among politicians. A normal person who sometimes buys bread and who is tired of having to deal with complex issues.
After all, we’re both just regular homosapiens/vast corporate entities.
Just look at the last couple of years: election after election after election. It’s not like the good old days, is it? Think of those—jolly old Henry VIII didn’t bother you with voting booths and party political broadcasts. It was a happier, simpler time. Don’t you just want a simpler time, when things were simple?
Besides, it doesn’t matter which “party” they’re from. They’re all lying to you, feeding you little snippets of dishonesty just so you’ll put a little X in a box next to their name.
We don’t want you to put an X in a box next to our name. How ridiculous! We just want your money. We’re honest about that. We want your money so you can have things. Nice things. Things that will make that awful man next door shake with envy. Because we’re on your side. And our side. But also your side.
Our products are always here for you. They don’t squirm and beg for your vote. They don’t need it.
It’s been stressful. We know that. But we can help remove your stress, whisk away the pain of responsibility. If you join our campaign, you’ll be making sure that no-one has to suffer through arrogant journalists and painful political pundits ever again. Ever! Doesn’t that sound nice? Doesn’t that sound simple?
We need your help to create this better world. Simply join and give 60% of your income to our cause. Because we aren’t like those awful politicians with their lies and false promises.
We’re your friend.
We’re your best friend.
– Redfern Enterprises
[This message was brought to you by the Redfern Enterprises Prosperity Campaign to Abolish General Elections. In supporting our campaign you agree to potential conscription and/or change in spouse and/or other assorted family members. The Campaign takes absolutely no responsibility for penury, injury, or mysterious deaths incurred whilst “volunteering”. We must make clear that we are under the jurisdiction of no legal bodies and thus hold no obligation to any law whatsoever. Requests for refunds are not permissible and may be taken as Treason. For more information please visit us online or scream in terror at one of our peacekeeping drones.]
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