The 62 Most Popular Baby Names for 2030

Written by Redfern on 29/10/2015. Posted Under: Psychosis.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand babies. They’re loud, they’re smelly, and they’re sub-par at handling the most basic of firearms.



In fact, I’m pretty sure the only reason people have babies is so they get to name something, a name that something will have to live with for the rest of its life. Though many countries restrict the ability of parents to name their baby ‘Colonel Barabbas 9/11’, thankfully lands which speak the language of Queen Shakespeare generally allow you to fuck with your child’s future as much as you want.

Now, you may remember that I’ve dabbled in baby naming before. Also, I hope that someday there will be a law forcing every baby to be named ‘Redfern’ (it’s important to have ambitions). But we don’t think much about the history of baby names, and what they can tell us about society. For example, 1900s Protestantism gave us delights such as ‘Temperance’, ‘Chastity’, and ‘SayNoToSuffrage’, whereas 1930s Germany gave us ‘CENSORED’, ‘VERY CENSORED’, and who could forget the classic ‘CENSORED BY UN RESOLUTION’.

But what about the future? Well, thanks to my time machine (glue, a carrier bag, and a Cher album played backwards and at half the normal speed) I have determined the most popular baby names of 2030, that we may learn what the future has in store. “Enjoy”.

The 62 Most Popular Baby Names for 2030

62. Brian
61. Barbie


60. Cissabelle
59. Kim Jong Un


58. Susan
57. Princess
56. Zippora
55. Erik
54. Burning
53. Radiation
52. Poisonsoil
51. Steve


50. Help
49. Ted
48. Tedx
47. Sherlock
45. Rocky
44. XXX
43. Militia


42. Princessabelle
41. Borg
40. Celebrity
39. Sonic


38. Peter
37. Water
36. Weneedwater
35. Thirst
34. Scorch
33. Winnie
32. Temperence
31. Diamond
30. Pyongyang


29. Wiseau
28. Harry
27. King Bieber
26. Cholera
25. Mirage
24. Gaga
23. Apple(TM)
22. Richard
21. Donaldtrump


20. Prinbarbiebelle
19. Cocaine
18. Stripteasia
17. King Jong Il



16. Smog
15. Facemask
14. Asthma
13. Choke
12. Stuart
11. Pleasehelp
10. Cain
9. Georgia


8. Juche
7. Kim Il-Sung


6. Surrender
5. Annexed
4. Occupation
3. Supremeleader
2. Worldcult
1. Redfern


So there we have it! Join us next month when I’ll breaking into birth records offices and writing my own name on all the certificates!

Until then, baby-namers!