PRESS STATEMENT FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES
“Hello… hello… is this thing on? Wait, I think… I think the microphone is broken… I think… Yeah, no, this looks like a handgun. Lemme check -“
[Loud air-piercing shots are heard; one brief scream]
“Well, then I’ll just have to talk a little louder. Hey, who invited the guy with blood all over his shirt? I mean, make an effort, am I right?”
[Pauses for laughter]
“So the reasons for calling this press conference are twofold. Firstly, I would like to apologise to the families of those who recently purchased Redfern Enterprises Nu-Age Brand Imitation Insence (TM), and we would like to make it clear that we will cover 30% of the costs of safe disposal for your loved ones.
Secondly, I would like to announce Redfern Enterprises “Wellness-ish” Brand Scented Candles, available in the following flavours. Hold on, is this microphone still not on? Wait a second -“
[Several more shots, the sound of sirens alongside the panicked footsteps of a press stampede]
PERFECTLY “SAFE” SCENTED CANDLES FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES
- SEX DUNGEON
Feeling lonely? Redfern Enterprises ‘Sex Dungeon’ scented candle will fill your home with all the delightful scents of human body goo and sincere shame! Disturb your friends!
- GAS LEAK
‘Oh my god, what’s that smell? Are we going to die? ARE WE?’
‘Haha, no – that’s just my new candle, ‘GAS LEAK’ by Redfern Enterprises! Wait, where are you going?’
- STAGNANT POND
A must-have for urbanites who miss the smell of decaying algae and the delicate aroma of poorly-disposed human remains.
- BLEACH FRESH
A favourite for nightclubs-after-closing-hours and hospitals alike, our ‘BLEACH FRESH SCENTED CANDLE’ will protect your home and family*
*THIS PRODUCT PROTECTS NOTHING
- BURNT HAIR
A scent which has repelled nostrils since ancient times, ‘BURNT HUMAN HAIR’ will keep away strangers and unwanted pets.
- FISH MARKET
All the memories of a family-friendly day out to the local dead fish emporium – relive the days when you could afford first-hand food.
- ELECTRICAL BURNING
That’ll teach you to buy your child Somali-made toys.
Pow! Bang! Bang! All the delicate scents of blood, terror, and human excrement from a real 1800s battlefield!
- SICK CAT
‘Just hang in there, fluffy.’
Experience the invigorating wafts of a freshly-lain road.
- UN-WIPED GYM EQUIPMENT
Ewww, gross! Someone left their sweat over everything! Who used this last? Was it Barry? Uhh, never mind, I just need a moment with this…
Mmm, the heady cancer-inducing scent of office romance! Better hurriedly wipe up those suspicious stains before your gossipy co-worker sees you!
Sign up to the Redfern Enterprises Newsletter for the latest product announcements and free virus attachments! Until next whenever-I-feel-like-it!
(Many thanks to my terrifying roommates for screaming scented candle suggestions at me through my bedroom door)