Now I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a beautiful, sexy vegetarian. And I really don’t care what other people eat – if you want to stuff your mouth with some prime tarantulas or fried baby ducklings, then be my guest. After all, we all have our own codes and principles.
BUT (and I wouldn’t be a budding totalitarian dictator without a ‘but’) sometimes, when outside our traditional comfort zone of the very centre of major cities, the Vegetarian finds his food sources to be scarce. When in the “suburbs” or “frighteningly homophobic rural areas”, what starts as an evening out with friends can turn into a desperate struggle for survival.
In order to help our meat-eating friends know our terrible predicaments I have developed the “Vege-Goggles” app, which allows anyone to see the world through the eyes of a vegetarian. Screenshots* below.
*(terrible MSPaint mockups because I have a serious problem when it comes to antiquated Microsoft programs)
Vege-Goggles (in beta)
Image 1: Specials board of mushroom risotto STUFFED WITH BACON WHAT THE FUCK
Image 2: Don’t say anything don’t say anything, everyone will think you’re just being difficult and I don’t really know these guys so well and I want them to like me… what’s that? The fries only come with a serving of tuna? Well OK, that’s fine I guess, I’m not one of those ‘fussy’ vegetarians, I’m one of you guys. Please like me.
Image 3: I’ll take three of everything, that should be the size of a normal meal. Can I only pay in cash or do you accept furious tears?
Image 4: I guess I’ll take the Beef Wellington without the beef. Can’t get enough of that SWEET, EXPENSIVE FUCKING AIR
Image 5: SO FUCKING HUNGRY
Image 6: Finally, here’s a image of the app incorporating Google Street view (CANNOT BE TURNED OFF)
The app will be available for permanent download via the App Store and Google Play, and comes free with a never-ending loop of children’s nursery rhymes sung at one third the normal speed.
WARNING: THIS APP IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH WELL-FUNCTIONING MENTAL HEALTH
Coming soon: Gay-gles – the app which emits a klaxon whenever you see heterosexual privilege! Comes with free earblood mop-up kit!