Now, as you might be aware, I’m not the world’s biggest fan of marriage – sure, wearing a big fluffy gown and having people cry at you is nice, but there’s always the sneaking suspicion that marriage was invented to enslave women – all that transferring the bride from father to deadbeat husband, the name-changing, the talk of obedience. Now, of course not all marriages mean that these days (THIS IS MY ONE CONCESSION TO NORMALITY, TREASURE IT) – but it’s not an easy history to shake. As a big ol’ queer I’d rather see marriage become simply a personal ceremony rather than a legal one, but things are as they are and many of us are fighting for the right to own one another when our genitals match, prompting a banal and endless hysteria from the Jesusians, because legalising same-sex marriage will lead to incest, polygamy, and cat fucking.
In fact, there’s a whole loada stuff it will apparently lead to, but the right-wingers are never very clear on this issue – after all, which can we expect first – the bestiality or the necrophilia? Surely this is some sort of domino effect, but what leads to what?
Well never fear, rabid homophobes! For I have charted the way, creating THE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION CHECKLIST, which charts the downfall of our entire society. Enjoy.
This is totally going to happen first. Now, obviously the correct term would be ‘polyamory’, but the right are going after for the anti-Muslim fearmongering tactic, a tried-and-tested method of getting attention. This actually probably will happen at some point (heck, it’s happened in Brazil already) – so they’re off to a good start.
COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION METRE: 1/10
To be honest a lot of cultures have had group marriages, so I don’t think we’re endangered just yet.
This is where things really start to go wrong. We’re still in ‘consenting alive humans’ territory, but we’ve also ventured into squickland. The British Conservative party are continually trying to bring in civil unions for brothers and sisters, so part of me suspects that there are a number of homophobes who are secretly dreaming of their oh-so-sexy siblings. And heck-darn-it, group marriages are already legal by this point, so now the whole family can get married!
COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION METRE: 4/10
There are sporadic reports of churches being set alight and one or two instances of schoolteachers being beheaded, but that’s normal, right?
So now Western Civilisation is creaking at the seams – the streets are cracked, graffiti is everywhere, and the mutant offspring of brotherhusbands and sisterwives are mugging you with a flick-knife. But never mind, at least you can still enjoy a nice trip to the zoo-oh.
COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION METRE: 6/10
Is marriage with all species legal from the get-go, or do we start with primates, works our way to all mammals, until finally we’re wedded to that lovely seahorse who makes a good income but will never be as exciting or dangerous as that sexy sea otter? Regardless, every fifth child born can now breathe fire, and helping old ladies across the street is illegal.
4: Virtual reality beings
This one is often missed by the technologically-illiterate Bible-thumpers, but hey, some people fall in love with pixels, and if we’re marrying gorillas, why not?
COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION METRE: 7/10
I don’t think this one does much more damage than having relationships with species unable to consent, so only a few more churches will be imploding this time.
Till death do us part? P’shaw! I met my hubby at the graveyard and we’ve been together ever since I found a shovel. His widow won’t stop calling me and crying down the phone, but we’re happy, damnit!
COLLAPSE OF CIVILISATION METRE: 10/10
Jesus can’t save us now! Dragons roam the skies, picking off the young in order to marry or eat them. Gangs of cannibals have emptied the schools, and the state is providing affordable healthcare to all citizens. Anarchy reigns, clouds empty blood from the heavens and …
And with that the right-wing fantasy is complete. Remember, equal rights are a ‘slippery slope’, and not just because alliteration is designed to appeal to absolute morons!
Merry marryings, my marvellous minions.