From: Redfern “Boss Boss” Barrett
SUBJECT: EMPLOYEE PARKING
It has come to the attention of management that several of you have complaints regarding the company parking situation. Firstly, I would like to refer all employees to the binding non-disclosure agreement signed upon your arrival with the firm, and would firmly remind everyone of the severe legal and physical penalties of going to the press. That being said, I will deal with the various complaints issue-by-issue.
1. “My car keeps going missing.”
Redcorp would like to make it clear to all personnel that everything on company property is the property of the corporation, including (but not limited to) vehicles, pens, and souls. It should also be borne in mind that over 20% of cars are returned within the month, in almost total intact condition.
2. “There is only one parking space.”
In order to increase productivity and to prevent “lazy” employees from arriving late, Redcorp has reached the decision to limit the amount of parking spaces on the compound, in order to encourage “early rises” and to penalise “scum arriving after 6am”. If you’re worried about missing out on a parking space, try skipping breakfast, or communicating with family members.
3. “The CEO has threatened my spouse on numerous occasions with a firearm.”
Redcorp would like to make it clear that it does not support marriage or human contact outside of the workplace. Management also reserve the right to “make sexual advances toward” all employee’s partners, whom we consider part of the Redcorp “family”. Unfortunately many of the firm’s family members do not have the appropriate “team spirit”, and therefore may find themselves forced to wrap their mouths around the barrel of a handgun. We remind all employees that there is no “I have exclusive rights to my spouse” in “team.”
We hope that this clears up some of your concerns. If any employees have further complaints, please report to MEAT PROCESSING UNIT B and make your situation clear to the guards.
Yours in Redcorp,
Lord Redfern J. Barrett, CEO